This is one of the most moving AMVs I've seen in a while...to me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQbDHGcmzj8&NR=1

...I want to cry so badly. All over again and again...

This is why I love Loveless so much.

This is why, why I love Ritsuka and Soubi.

Oh god, it's just so sad and beautiful and complex all in one.;;;;;;;

I hate you, Kouga.

...

So beautiful...

What the fuck, life.

Quit dealing me the shitty cards of the deck.

Just... what the fuck.

It was around this time, too.

I miss you, mom...

I miss you, mom...

My brother's fiancee had a stillborn last Saturday. The baby boy (Jonathan, Jr.) had its umbilical cord wrapped around it five times. Hm. I'm not quite sure how I feel about this - of course, I'm sad - but it's just... it was so very, very young, and was never birthed living. I never had a baby or anything so I can't really know how it feels personally cuz I have no experience. I can only imagine. He was only...wha...four, five months old... jeez...

They're giving him a funeral, too. Jon said it'd either be on Tuesday or Thursday (Valentine's Day, wtf?!). It'd probably be in the morning so... I'm definitely going to have to miss classes. Thursday I'll miss a lab AND a three lectures, uahghufuhaughgu. *stress* I dunno if I have to cancel work, either---and I'm JUST starting the job, too! RGH. But I want to be there for them because that's the RIGHT thing to do. ;;;;;

Why do things have to keep happening all at once? e-e;;; Can't someone just cut someone a break around here? ;;

OKAY, OKAY, GET THIS...

First off, GOOD NEWS:
noetma can go with me to Anime Boston! FUCK YES I HAVE MY JADE! HAHA that makes me so unbelievably happy! >8D Just when I decided to get off mah tush and finally start to work on my jacket mock up! Mwahaha! ALL THE MORE REASON TO FINISH MAH COSPLAYS!

BAD NEWS:
...My tumor they excised grew back to the original size, if not larger now. FuckfuckFUCK. These types of tumors aren't suppsoed to grow so DAMN FAST! ARGH!!! It's FRUSTRATING! It's been less than a month since my surgery. What the EFF?! Ugh.

I'm sorry but I've been feeling like complete shit for a couple days now after finding it grew back...uggghh. That's why I didn't start working on the cosplay, either. I just don't feel well mentally. -___-;;; Maybe it's just me but there's more pressure in that area now, too. Ugh.

I accidentally fell on my back (...the floor was slippery and I was goofing off with my sister, shaddap;;) and the area where the tumor is HURT LIKE HELL. >-o;;; AUGH. I remember how I could rebound from a fall JUST like that! *finger snap* BLAH. So um... IS THIS THE END OF MY PLAYFULNESS/AGILENESS/ME BEING A DORK IN GENERAL? D8;;;;;... N-now I can't be my crazy hyper self with a tumor... ughhhh. I'M SLOWLY DYING INSIDE, I ASSURE YOU, MY SPIRIT'S WILTING. MY SOUL'S CRYING OUT FOR MERCY, DAMN IT, CUT ME SOME SLACK...SOMEBODY...;;; And I'm sitting here, wondering why the surgeon didn't excise all of it. A good guess is because it is so close to my spine, a nerve cord may be in the way...UGHHH FUCK. I REALLY DON'T WANNA THINK ABOUT SEVERING THAT BY ACCIDENT OR ON PURPOSE. *cringe* I just wanna be normal again, damn it.

...

TO END WITH, GOOD NEWS:
I ... yes, I finally started on a mock up for my Dist jacket and it's coming along swimmingly. However there's SOOO many things that need cilpping/adjustments/to use lining or not lining, that is the question /etc. I'm excited. 8) I just have the sleeves to basically do which I'll do tomorrow, mooooo. Then from there I can actually start the REAL jacket. Pics to come later?;; XD

OH YEAH DUR I ALMOST FORGOT:
GUYS, I NEED YOUR FONIC VISION CRITICAL EYE WITH THIS ONE!
I'm in the middle of making Dist's badge, yes, see a screen cap of it here. But ...I'M UNSURE OF THE WRITING IN RED ON HIS BADGE, ABOVE THE BAR CODE. WHAT COULD IT BEEEE. I know it's not numbers, dur. "Doctor Neis"? Maybe. It's too short to be "Dist the Rose" or "Dist the Reaper." It does look like a laboratory badge of somesort so Doctor might be my best bet. Mrrrhrhrmhrhrhmmr. I can just use an artistic license...and make up whatever I want. xD *just trying to stimulate fan response for those remaining distoids* :O

*explodey*

why don't people talk to me, am i scary or am i just lazy?
do i have a sign around my neck saying "look but do not touch?"
not that i want to be touched by you eeew cooties




















s-s-s-s-scary

So I've been trying to deal with things lately. I've been trying to make myself "distracted" from "it" but it's not working fully. Duh. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought about it yet. *sigh* I don't think there's some miracle either, it's just how life is.

Small post is small. With my early Christmas money (why did my dad give me money so early?) I tried to cheer myself up. Didn't work. (Notably: we distribute money, my family never buys each other presents, no actual time and everyone's always so busy - really, there isn't a family at all, if you look at it like that).

I bought myself a new ps2 ("for Christmas") so I can play Abyss again. I miss that game so much and four months is just torture without it. >-o;;; Also bought myself a domain (distism.net) so I can successfully host my files and fanlistings without getting kicked out (thanks, previous hosts, really, I enjoy losing all my files...).

I just need something to keep my mind off it... off this thing inside me. Thinking about it too much isn't good because then I get depressed. Sorry in advance to you all if you get the brunt of this. Urgh. It's hard, okay?;; I'm trying though, trying to keep my spirits high. I know material posessions can't sway me much. Bah. It's too late I guess, since I already know...so there's really nothing I can do about it. Nothing.

It was worth a try.

The surgery is confirmed now, on schedule for December 19th at 7:30 am. ;;;;;;;;;

...urgh.

Thank you to everyone who replied to my last post. I really, truly appreciate the support.

I don't want this post to be some nasty wangsty post. I'm just putting this here because I feel you guys should be informed about my state of well being.

I honestly don't know what to think besides how I really, really dislike what fate dealt to me now. Why can't I just be left alone already?

It's been more than a month now that I've had this "lump." Thank god it hasn't grown. It's not on the top of my skin...no, it's rather deep inside me. It's a miracle I found it in the first place because you have to put actual pressure down to feel it. The lump is located on my lower back, to the left. The weird thing is that it moves around when you put pressure onto it.

So I went to get an ultrasound that my doctor requested. She viewed the results and...she can't say it's a cyst... the ultrasound came back weird. She couldn't pinpoint any diagnosis. So...

My doctor gave me a referral to a surgeon. Yes, I need to go into surgery...

so very aware
that
I HATE SPOILED PEOPLE
I really do; I can't stand them

it's all up to the interpreter though as to "spoiled how?" or "in which way?"
but with agedness, emotionally, physically or financially aside

i hate spoiled people, especially ones who can't even admit to or at least acknowledge it.

of course, spoiledness and reliance go hand in hand. what a lovely combination.

i'll stop now before it becomes a full-fledged rant.

THIS WASNT DIRECTED AT ANYONE HERE ON ELJAY, GUYZZZ I just had to blow off some steam due to buildup of stuff over time.